E&P acquires Signal to secure Beltway scoops; all posts must now follow AP Style

With Signal under our belt, we’re going to revolutionize how news is gathered and shared among journalists, politicians and insiders. Plus, we’ll finally put an end to comma splices in leaked documents.”

Mike Blinder, Publisher, E&P Magazine

In a bold and unexpected move, E&P Magazine (Editor & Publisher) announced today that it has acquired Signal, the popular encrypted messaging app, to secure better news from inside the Beltway. The decision sent shockwaves through both the media and tech worlds, leaving many Signal users and political insiders scratching their heads.

E&P Publisher Mike Blinder explained the motivation behind the acquisition: "With Signal under our belt, we’re going to revolutionize how news is gathered and shared among journalists, politicians and insiders. Plus, we’ll finally put an end to comma splices in leaked documents."

Enforcing AP style: A new era for Signal users

As part of the transition, all Signal users will now be required to adhere strictly to AP Stylebook standards when sending messages. E&P has announced that a team of seasoned copy editors with actual pulses (not “machines that learn”) will monitor conversations to ensure that users properly distinguish between “who” and “whom,” avoid split infinitives, and correctly capitalize titles. Blinder stated: “While we’ve considered employing AI editing bots, we felt it was crucial to maintain the human touch (and occasional ‘snarky’ eye roll) when dealing with grammar violations.

Users caught violating style rules will receive a gentle correction in the form of a red pen emoji, followed by a link to the relevant AP guideline.

Early reports indicate that thousands of Signal messages have already been flagged and rejected for style violations, sparking outrage among users who failed to adhere to the new rules. Some of the most common violations include:

• Comma splices: Messages containing improperly linked independent clauses are automatically returned with the message: “Your sentence has been terminated. Please rephrase using a conjunction or semicolon.”
• Misuse of ‘that’ and ‘which’: Offenders receive a pop-up quiz on restrictive versus nonrestrictive clauses before being allowed to send another message.
• Redundant phrasing: Any use of clichés like “at the end of the day” or “thinking outside the box” triggers an instant lockdown, during which users must complete a 5-minute AP Style tutorial to unlock their account.

One frustrated user posted on Reddit: “I just got flagged for using ‘literally’ as an intensifier. Apparently, Signal is now the grammar police.”

Another tweeted: “Got locked out for saying ‘more unique’—apparently ‘unique’ is an absolute adjective and can’t be modified. Who knew?”

A bewildered user commented on a tech forum: “Just tried to say ‘I feel badly about it,’ and Signal threw a fit about using the adverb instead of the adjective. Didn’t know I’d signed up for a grammar boot camp.”

Meanwhile, a confused Signal group admin lamented: “We got flagged because someone wrote ‘10 AM this morning.’ Apparently, Signal prefers just ‘10 AM’ since it’s redundant otherwise. My chat is now in stylebook purgatory.”

What is an E&P?
Despite the controversy, many Signal users reacted with confusion, taking to social media to ask one simple question: “What is an E&P?”

One popular tweet read: “Wait... E&P bought Signal? Is that a new crypto coin or some kind of kitchen appliance brand?”

Another chimed in: “I heard E&P is some kind of newsletter for people who still use fax machines.”

A storm of political backlash
The move also sparked some political backlash. Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene took to social media to condemn the acquisition, tweeting: “This is nothing short of journalistic espionage! E&P is using Signal to SPY on patriotic Americans and leak our private conversations to the fake news media! This is why we need to DEFUND journalism!”

Senator Ted Cruz also weighed in, calling the move “an outrageous overreach by liberal media elites,” adding: “First, they try to cancel our voices on social media. Now they’re hijacking our private messaging apps to expose conservative values.”

Blinder responded to the political outrage by clarifying: “We’re not interested in spying on anyone. We’re just making sure your conspiracy theories are properly punctuated. Besides, we’re still calling it the Gulf of Mexico—no name change required.”

The real scoop
While the uproar continues to trend on social media, media analysts have pointed out that the entire situation might just be an elaborate April Fools’ joke. However, Blinder refused to confirm or deny this, adding: “I guess you’ll have to subscribe to find out!”

Meanwhile, some tech enthusiasts and conspiracy theorists continue to dig deeper, convinced that this is just the tip of the iceberg in a sprawling media plot. One particularly popular QAnon forum thread warned: “If they can make us use AP style on Signal, what’s next? Forcing us to write with complete sentences on Twitter?”

The saga continues to unfold, as media literacy experts scramble to determine whether the entire story itself is the biggest prank of the year.