Kris Kringle Sues Local Paper for Libel

By: Joe Strupp Santa Claus has sued a local newspaper for libel after a recent string of stories exposing his business policies and personal life.

The lawsuit, filed last week in North Pole Superior Court, contends that Claus, a.k.a. Kris Kringle, has been unfairly maligned in stories published in the local Polar Express-News.

"This paper has painted a Grinch-like image of the plaintiff, most recently in stories that pictured him as a voyeur who threatens children," the lawsuit said. "The allegation that he 'sees you when you're sleeping' and 'knows when you're awake' gives the impression of a man bent on invading others' privacy, or worse -- he is portrayed as a stalker."

The suit also cites the paper's report that the jolly old elf had told children, "You better be good for goodness sake." Attorney Jacques Frost told reporters, "If that does not suggest he made a threat, I don't know what does. Everyone knows that Mr. Claus gives gifts to good and rotten kids alike. This is nothing but character assassination."

Claus, further, takes issue with reports that he had abused animals, including his caging of four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, under the most deplorable conditions.

He also contests reports that 14 elves were laid off in December by his parent company, Wal-Mart, due to slow holiday sales. Claus contends the elves in question volunteered for buyouts.

The legal action, finally, charges that Express-News columnist Robert Snovak had broken the law by revealing the name of Claus' wife, whose identify had been a closely held secret for years.

But Claus had no comment on charges that he contributes to the growing secularization of Christmas by refusing to go by his given name, St. Nicholas.

Polar Express-News attorney I.M. Litigator defended the paper's reporting, declaring that the stories are true and include no malice whatsoever. "Santa is just trying to snow people," Litigator said in a statement. "He can stick that in his pipe and smoke it."

Christmasland observers noted that Claus could be on thin ice. Some said he is still reeling from the discrimination suit filed against him years ago by Rudolph "The Red-Nosed" Reindeer. In that action, the young reindeer alleged he was relieved of flight duty because of his too-shiny nose, a charge Santa and his elves had strongly denied.

Santa had also been accused in a related action of conspiring to keep Rudolph from joining in any reindeer games.

In the end, the suits were settled out of court for an undisclosed amount, and Rudolph was returned to duty, going down in history for guiding Santa's sleigh on foggy Christmas eves.

In another action, the NPLRB (North Pole Labor Relations Board) is still reviewing a charge that Santa's workshop had broken a variety of OSHA regulations. "Elves have been overworked for years, forced to work overtime at regular rates. And that forced Christmas Day duty is a real drag," said one elf who requested anonymity. "Oh yeah, and the requirement that we maintain a holiday smile -- it's mental abuse, I tell you."

Expected to be called to testify in the libel suit are Santa's wife, Christine "Sanity" Claus, and former Express-News editor Howell Reindeer.

Frost has also hinted that he may subpoena several reporters who have covered Claus by relying on unnamed elf sources. These include investigative reporter Judith Chiller along with columnist Snovak.

In a statement, Claus indicated that the articles, including one that reported he had illegally entered several homes via chimneys, kissed mommys and brazenly determined who "has been naughty and nice," have hurt his image.

"I'm not some kind of self-promoter," Claus claimed. "This makes it seem like I have no respect for others." Reporters heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all, and call my lawyer for comment."