More Ideas for Saving Newspapers: Flavored Ink? Page One Girls?

By: Bill Shein Recently, there have been many doom-and-gloom stories about the impending demise of newspapers and what to do about it. Collapsing ad revenues, shrinking circulation, failure to attract younger readers, comics pages that suddenly burst into flames, and the rise of a newfangled computer network called the ?Internet? are making newspaper owners, investors, and comics-page readers very nervous.

Each day, we learn about more newsroom layoffs and unpaid staff furloughs. Foreign bureaus have vanished. Page size has been reduced, inch by inch, to the dimensions of a large postage stamp. Hard-pressed reporters are asked to cover more, leaving little time for the in-depth investigative reporting that a functioning democracy requires.

Though there still seems to be plenty of time for covering late-breaking celebrity ?news.? Hmmm.

What can be done to increase readership and save the newspaper?

Some ideas:

* Flavored Inks ? What newspaper reader would mind a bit of ink rubbing off on their fingers if it tasted like bubble gum, or fresh mango, or tender filet mignon? As flavored inks proliferate, individual stories could use relevant flavors. For example, news of Bond-like international espionage might taste like a martini ? shaken, not stirred. And a quick lick of your fingers while reading a review of a new French restaurant would let you sample the chef's inventive spicy-sweet Duck L?Orange before making a reservation.

* Edible Pages ? It wouldn?t be much of a leap to go from flavored inks to fully edible pages. Imagine the convenience of chowing down on a nutritious, bagel-flavored front page after getting your fill of the day?s political news (assuming you haven?t lost your appetite). And stuffing the box score from yesterday?s game into your mouth would provide the satisfying taste and empty calories of a ballpark frank, complete with mustard and sauerkraut, even if you didn?t get to the game.

* Cliffhanger Endings ? Want to keep readers coming back for more? Collude with other news outlets to hold back part of the story. Just as TV?s famous ?Who Shot J.R.?? gimmick once hooked the nation, so, too, would saving the key facts of a story for the next day. ?BREAKING NEWS: A member of Congress was indicted! Here are some details, but we won?t name the jailbird-to-be until tomorrow!? Readers could call a 1-900 number for hints ? but would have to pay a revenue-enhancing $3.99 per minute.

* Page One Girls ? Not particularly classy, of course, but moving those titillating ?Page Six Girls? to the front page could help juice newsstand sales. And printing half of each day?s papers with ?Page One Guys? would cover all bases. Newspapers accused of dumbing down their content with such a stunt might counter with signed affidavits proving that its cover models are super-geniuses ?just trying to earn money for law school.?

* Reinvented Paperboys ? Why not turn newspaper carriers into full-service concierges? Instead of tossing your morning paper into the bushes and bicycling away fast, the modern paperboy would deliver your paper to you in bed, complete with complimentary juice and a buttery croissant. As an added bonus for longtime subscribers, those Page One Girls (and guys) might sometimes do double-duty as your carrier/concierge. Goooood morning!

* Micropayments of Human Life Force ? No doubt today?s Web 2.0 programming wizards could develop software that removes a tiny bit of an online reader?s life-sustaining ?ch?i? through their eyeballs and transfers it directly into the body of a dedicated newspaper reporter. (Back in 1999, that sentence alone would have been good for $7.3 million in venture capital.) No messing with PayPal, no clunky subscription models, no complicated micropayment schemes. This would also help focus editors on content that matters, as well as offset the impact of reduced salaries for reporters.

* Even More Consolidation ? With this bold and counterintuitive strategy, the rapid consolidation of newspapers and media properties would be accelerated until we?re left with just one giant corporo-media-government entity. Then, where else could people turn for news and information? Check AND mate!