Where writing stories is life and death: Gary Miles on honoring legacies

I found talking to people about their loved ones wasn’t morbid or dark — it was uplifting and inspiring to me. Because I’m not writing dark, morbid stories about tragedy, I’m writing about the achievements of the people and the fond memories of the survivors.”

Gary Miles, obituary writer, The Philadelphia Inquirer

“Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another.” ― Ernest Hemingway

During my time as a reporter for The Philadelphia Inquirer, breaking news has forced me to write the occasional obituary. 

It’s never easy, forcing you to gather quotes, details and anecdotes from people on what is likely one of the worst days of their life, when they are mourning someone they loved and valued. Trying to capture the totality of a person’s life in 800 words or less seems like an impossible task — one I’m happy to avoid. 

For Gary Miles, it’s his day job. 

Miles has been The Inquirer’s sole obituary writer since 2020, and like most, he didn’t set out to be a chronicler of death. He joined the paper in 1985 and covered sports for nearly 30 years as both a reporter and editor. Then suddenly, COVID-19 shut down the sporting world, and the paper shifted Miles to the morbid task of reporting on the pandemic’s mounting losses.

“I found talking to people about their loved ones wasn’t morbid or dark — it was uplifting and inspiring to me,” Miles said. “Because I’m not writing dark, morbid stories about tragedy, I’m writing about the achievements of the people and the fond memories of the survivors.”

I’ve had it in the back of my mind for a while to speak to Miles about his endurance in the face of daily misery, but a recent event gave me the kick in the rear I needed to reach out to my colleague.

In June, Miles received a phone call from best-selling author Carol Saline, who had a very blunt message: “I am contacting you because I am entering hospice care and will likely die in the next few weeks.”

“It was such a unique experience,” Miles said. “She said, ‘I just want people to really know who I am, not just what I did.’” 

Miles spoke to E&P about his role as an obituary writer, what it’s like talking to someone who knows they are about to die, and how he deals with being reminded of death daily. This conversation has been edited for length and clarity. 

How do you decide who you’re going to write about, and what’s that process like? 

My first obligation is to the reader. It’s not for the family or the person who died, it’s for the reader, and to give them an interesting, informative and creative story that makes reading my work worthwhile. From that perspective, I select the best stories that I believe will interest my readers and provide them with an understanding of people who have impacted their community and have an interesting story to tell. 

I always call the family. I don’t write any of my stories without talking to a family member, because mine are not news obits, they’re obituary stories about people… I find a lot of them are very anxious to talk and will spend a lot of time on the phone with me. In addition to a sense of closure, it’s a sense of being able to share that grief with the rest of the world through me and the stories. 

Is there an obituary you’ve written over the past five years that still stands out?

The ones that stand out are my colleagues whom I’ve written about. Lou Rabito, Robin Smith, Bill Eddins, Sharon Wohlmuth. I knew these people, and I can inject my own anecdotes into those stories. Like how Lou and I would sit in the back of the room and joke about things late at night after a deadline, or how Sharon and I worked together on stories. I am honored to be the one who gets to write their life story for our publication. 

Tell me about the unique experience of having someone who is dying reach out to you to tell their story. 

I had to write about it in a special story, saying here was someone who reached out to me because she wanted to make sure I had all the information I needed to write the kind of story I prefer to write, which is a complete story about a person’s personality, not just what they did.

She was able to tell me what she wanted to be, how she felt about certain things, and the essence of herself, more than just what she had done. And I thought, to be able to write that story before she dies, and if she and her friends see it, and my readers see it — here’s what a person is before they die —  that just seemed like a unique angle for me. 

Did she read the story or give you any feedback?

I sent it to her so she could read it, because I thought it wasn’t a news story or an obituary — it was a collaboration. And I used the word “I” in the story, which I don’t do in my obituaries. 

She had access to see it and comment on it, but she made no changes. She remains in hospice care and continually emails me about the unbelievable feedback with the story, noting her courage and the way she wanted to face death on her terms. It struck a chord with both my readers and me.

It sounds like it impacted you as well. It’s an emotional thing.

It is, it is. It’s one thing for someone to say, “Your story about my dad was great.” It’s another thing to have someone facing death at any moment say, “Thank you for writing a story about me. It made me feel seen.” 

It’s unique, and it was very humanizing. I felt a genuine human connection, not only with her but also with my readers, as reflected in the responses I received. 

What have been the most difficult obituaries to write?

The hardest ones are politicians who have done good things and made contributions to our community … and yet they have done something either illegal or politically incorrect. 

Of course, you’ve got to include it, because it’s part of their life story. Often, family members don’t want that because they feel it’s inappropriate. But I’m writing life stories, not tributes to people… Those are the ones that get sticky because the families are uncomfortable with them. 

Family situations can sometimes be uncomfortable as well — ex-wives, children from other families, stepfamilies and blended families. Sometimes family members are sensitive to those things, and I have to talk to them about not being sensitive, because it’s just a matter of fact. If you’re divorced, you’re divorced. I can’t not say you’ve been married three times because it leaves out an integral part of someone’s life story. 

How do you cope with the emotional toll of writing about death every day? 

Mostly, I get fatigued by it because it’s a constant battle to overcome the grief and loss of death, maybe even regret and anger. It conjures up all kinds of emotions within us, and when people share those emotions with me, day after day after day, I certainly absorb some of their feelings. 

I need to step away on weekends and ensure I get up and walk around my office after writing these stories. Regardless of the satisfaction and relief it brings to people, death conjures up a lot of different emotions. I try to stay focused on my life outside of work and take time to decompress. 

You’ve been doing this for five years? Do you have any interest in getting back into sports?

Absolutely not! I hope to close my career in this department. It’s just been an absolute dream job for me. 

I’ve written nearly 1,000 obituaries and spoken with thousands of people, and it’s been an absolute lesson in humanity, empathy, loss and grief. Every emotional facet you can think of is contained in these stories. 

When I covered the Eagles and the Flyers, and they’d lose a game, they’d say it wasn't life or death. Well, what I’m doing now is life or death.

Rob Tornoe is a cartoonist and columnist for Editor and Publisher, where he writes about trends in digital media. He is also a digital editor and writer for The Philadelphia Inquirer. Reach him at robtornoe@gmail.com.