Will Edit, for Food

By: Kevin Braun The late Rodney Dangerfield was known for saying, "My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good." A version of that statement applies to out-of-work copy editors: We know a lot of things that can do us absolutely no good. I am among the legions of copy editors who are free agents as a result of the nationwide decline in the importance of print newspapers in people's daily lives. We're all in the same boat, and it bears a startling resemblance to the Titanic. We have a lot of skills that don't translate well in the "real" world.

Copy editors are the women and men who write the headlines and cutlines (photo captions) throughout a paper. They also are usually the last line of defense ? the final ones to read a story before it is published ? so they're checking for grammar, spelling, any factual errors and to make sure a story proceeds in a logical fashion. To do that requires putting ourselves in the shoes of the reader (or Web site user).

I've often equated a copy editor's job with that of a baseball umpire. We are largely anonymous (unlike reporters and photographers, our names don't appear) unless we should make a mistake. And our mistakes might be in very large type ? the size that takes up the top line on the eye chart.

I've always been proud of the fact that I can spell "berserk." In fact, I once had an interviewer at a major newspaper give me kudos for spelling it correctly on an editing test. But now, it no longer matters as much.

I can trumpet the fact that "anxious" and "eager" aren't interchangeable (the former implies nervousness, the latter anticipation), but no one cares. My wife and two teenage sons definitely don't want to hear it.

I can't share a laugh in a job interview about the time I scanned a grocery store aisle marked "STATIONARY" just to see if people were standing still there. (I didn't see any, but I did see a lot of stationery, or writing paper). Or the day my newspaper colleagues and I were amused about a promotion for a charity event featuring chili for "$2 per bowel."

And I know all sorts of trivial and not-so-trivial facts. For example, "Uncle Tonoose" on Danny Thomas's 1950s sitcom Make Room for Daddy was played by Hans Conried, who years later played "Wrong-Way Feldman" on Gilligan's Island.

But these are not things that might impress a corporate recruiter or lean a job interview our way. So what's a (former) copy editor to do? The Internet? Think again.

All displaced copy editors have to do is look at a few blogs or social networking Web sites to see that our skills aren't as coveted as we may have thought. Misspelled words and bad grammar are rampant on the Internet. I've often told my sons that spelling words incorrectly and using poor grammar give people a bad impression, but nowadays I feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle.

I joined Facebook with the goal of using the networking to get leads on a new job, but I left a recent brief visit shaking my head. When I saw one poster (not one of my Facebook friends, I'll have you know) make reference to "Pontius Pilot," I didn't know whether to laugh or cringe. As far as I know, there were no planes in the Bible. It was the Roman governor Pontius Pilate who condemned Jesus to die on the cross.

The more I read online, the more I'm convinced of something: These people need to be protected from themselves, and I'm just the guy who can do it. This is the perfect opportunity for the enterprising small-businessman or woman to find a niche (a great headline word, by the way). And all from the comfort of our own home.

I'm serious about this: Before people post a particularly error-filled or factually inaccurate comment, I'm encouraging them to send it to me via e-mail. I'll clean it up and send it back, sparing the posters untold embarrassment.

I thought about charging per post, but that would be a bookkeeping nightmare. I figure it would make more sense to work on retainer, similar to lawyers. Posters, you can pay me a flat fee per month and send as many missives as you want. I'll correct 'em all. Act now, and I'll send you an autographed pocket protector.



I know it would be doing a public service to provide this work pro bono, but as I said, I do have two teenage sons -- meaning two college educations, not to mention a monumental increase in car insurance, are looming. Plus, I'm out of work, remember?

I'm ready to print up my business cards. Here's my motto, with apologies to Paladin: "Have Delete Key, Will Travel (but I'd rather work from home)."

Kevin Braun is a freelance writer/editor in Atlanta. He can be reached at 76orangedad@gmail.com.