A Pre-April Fools' Day 'Qualmbudsman'

By: Dave Astor

Dear Qualmbudsman:
You haven't written anything in a while. Why?
-- As if Anyone Cares

I thought it would be a conflict of interest to do a column after receiving money from the federal government. Then I realized the $12 was a tax refund.

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Dear Qualmbudsman:
Could the Bush administration hide pundit payola by distributing it through the IRS?
-- Answer Me for Free

Sure, if IRS stood for "Ideological Republican Scribes."

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Dear Qualmbudsman:
How can I become a White House correspondent with little or no journalism experience?
-- Demi Cratt

To have a chance, you need a name change even more than James Guckert did.

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Dear Qualmbudsman:
AJR reports low morale at The Dallas Morning News since October's layoffs. Why did more staffers than top execs lose their jobs after the paper's circ scandal?
-- Raw Dealey

A possible new journalism motto: "Comfort the comfortable and afflict the afflicted."

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Dear Qualmbudsman:
An AP poll of sportswriters showed that suspected steroid user Mark McGwire may not get into baseball's Hall of Fame. How would you vote?
-- Frank "Home Run" Faker

I'd write on the ballot: "Going ... going ... gone ... from Cooperstown consideration."

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Dear Qualmbudsman:
Should columnist Robert Novak be enshrined in journalism's Hall of Shame?
-- Scribe Park

Let's check the stats: One CIA agent outed. Zero acceptance of blame. Two less-culpable journalists threatened with jail. That's one run, no hits, two errors. Novak's a shoo-in for induction.

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Dear Qualmbudsman:
Six Q&As so far, and not one mention of blogs!
-- Abraham Linking

I bet my tax refund I could write a Web column without once using the "b" word. Now I'm out $12. I hate paying for online content.

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Dear Qualmbudsman:
Do you think newspapers should publish more female op-ed columnists?
-- S. Trich

Yes.

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Dear Qualmbudsman:
Where was the joke in your previous answer?
-- Gag-Lag Nag

It's a joke that newspapers don't publish more female op-ed columnists.