Another Joker Joins Race: Dave Barry Running for Prez!

By: Greg Mitchell Somehow we missed the announcement. But maybe Dave Barry decided to go straight to the campaign. In any case, the author/columnist has been answering questions about his race for the White House over at McClatchy's cool new redesigned Web site. Learn why he hopes to pick Keith Richards as his running mate.

"And in case you're wondering if I am fully committed to the campaign, consider this: I have bumper stickers," Barry explains. "For more on the campaign you can visit, where I spell out my positions on the issues. Basically, I agree with the American public on everything."

You can order the bumper sticker that reads, "DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT: Yes, Of the United States." You can even order a cap, a beer stein or a t-shirt -- for your dog. There's even a campaign video.

OK, maybe you prefer Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert -- or even Keith Richards -- but they are not running.

Here is a selection of some real questions from readers and Dave's unreal replies.


Q Who do you plan to have in your Administration and for what deeds do you imagine you will need to later pardon them?

A If I got elected, the inauguration ball alone would result in thousands of arrests.

Q Tell us in one hundred words or less how you could possibly be a bigger idiot than the last guy.

A It would not be easy.

Q I have a question about the war: How many times can the cannonballs fly (before they're forever banned, that is)?

A The answer, my friend, is 42.

Q Dave, what kind of Iraq policy would you follow: Stay the course, Cut and run, Duck and cover, fight 'em over there so they won't fight us over here, surge, turn a corner every six months, surrender, add more GOP college interns to work in the green zone, drop the gay bomb, or nuke Iran?

A Those all sound good to me.

Q What is your position on ambivalence?

A I feel strongly both ways. But I'm willing to reconsider.

Q One of the other currently announced candidates has rather famously remarked that he comes equipped with 'No strings.' What do you not bring to this campaign?

A I have no woodwinds.

Q Dave, as much as I believe in your platform, I haven't voted since Nixon. Why should I start now?

A No need to trouble yourself. We have people who will do it for you.

Q Dave, I think your hair is great. Much better than John Edwards. Who's your stylist?

A John Edwards.

Q What are your thoughts on abolishing the electoral college so that each registered voter's vote actually counts?

A I think everybody's vote should count, including imaginary friends. I think we should keep the electoral college. but turn it into a real college, with a football team and fraternity houses smelling of beer and vomit.

Q How much attention do you plan to give to the Paris Hilton scandal? What do you think about launching a war against Iran?

A These are both important issues. My plan would be to drop Paris Hilton on Iran. Possibly with a parachute.


No comments on this item Please log in to comment by clicking here